The Childless Mother

I have known all to well the pain of not getting pregnant, while it would seem all those around me are. It is a burden I would not wish on my worst enemy. For the last two years, I have never once taken birth control pills or any other preventative method to prevent pregnancy. I have struggled for many years as most do, to truly give God complete control over my life. I don't know how others do not see how birth control is also up to God, we just have the illusion of control. I am NOT condemning because I struggle also with this! I am only human. When I got married, I had a very great peace about having as many children as God wished to bless us with. I never knew he had other plans. I never, ever thought he would test my faith in another way. It hit me like a freight train. I was barren, just like Hannah in the bible before she bore Samuel and then three sons and two daughters. {Samuel: 2:21} She prayed to God to remember her, and he did! {Samuel 1:19} I know things have changed, we are not in the Old Testament times, but do we not follow God's word? Do we not read and study, pray, go to Church to be closer to His word and following it? Of course we do, we have no control over any aspect of our lives. It is plain and simple, yet not easy in the least! I have grieved so long and cried many nights, and asked Him: "Why? Why am I not worthy?". That is just it, God does not keep list of my wrongs or of my sins, because of the sacrifice of His son! So I have not to fear, I PRAY for a child - it may not be His will because it is not what is best for his daughter at this time. I have faith though, God has given me this deep seeded desire to be a mother for a reason, I believe in His time He will fill that need. I have not seeked Him or been close to him in these two years of marriage, I truly think He has been seeking my heart to draw it closer to Him. He has opened my eyes to spend time with him daily. I now make it a point to spend time in His word, no matter how little or how much I read - or how much time I take. There are 24 hours in a day, I think we all can spare 10min in our day for him. Let me tell you, my heart has never been lighter, then the days I have start with my focus on Him. My marriage has been stronger because of it! If I cry, it is not automatically because I am not pregnant again or someone I know is. I no longer feel I have to carry that burden, it doesn't mean it won't creep up but I know God is always there to help me through it. 

"He settles the childless mother in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." {Psalms 113:9}

~~As a side note, I want to say please do not take offense to this if you are on a different path or you do not agree. This is what God has shown me! This is what He has opened my eyes to. I do not judge you for the path God has set you on. We each have what God has shown us, and what we each believe. So please remember this and be kind with your comments. Thank you~~

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